The very very...

I've had it. Done. Sick of the I love you's, don't want to be without you's and will never leave you's. They're all lies you know? Ever noticed how that same person that was so into you, wanted all the best things for you now wishes you were dead? And contrary to popular belief you don't have to fuck a girl's best friend and sister to get this reaction. Oh no, all you have to do is not be with her anymore. That's right, I said it! I went there. Now I know they are females who read my posts and are probably disappointed at what I'm saying here but before you jump off to Justin Beiber's facebook page hear me out. I mean give me some credit, I think I'm more than qualified to make an awful statement like this. I've been blocked, deleted, thrown at, attacked, attacked while driving, chocked. I've even been banned from going to my own university. All by women who made the transformation from being "madly in love with me" *bleh* to just being mad.

Now look, I'm no saint I've been around the block a few times, I've killed a kitten or three and I know all the characters in Desperate Housewives. I know I was to blame for them reacting this way but what did I actually do though? In all those situations I decided I wanted to move on and after the decision was made that was the reaction I got. Now granted I didn't always do this in the nicest possible way but don't I have the right to do this? Shouldn't I be able to move on if I don't think this person was for me? and If it were in reverse would that type of behavior be acceptable coming from me? I bet you it wouldn't. No woman likes a bitchy man and men have been fucking up women for this type of shit for centuries that's why restraining orders were invented and the AAAEW was formed (Association for Angry Ass Empowered Women =) ). As a matter of fact if any one of these women wanted to leave me in any form or fashion the only acceptable reaction I could give would be to... "relax my batty". Yup, no phone calls begging back, no turning up at their mother's house to threaten their new relationship, no angry emails, texts or facebook posts. I certainly couldn't attack their new boyfriend or slap them in the face if they came to say hi to me at a party and there is no way that I could call their mother's house 83 times in 2 days and put down the phone. Hell no! I mean it's ok to be upset or disappointed, there's an acceptable grace period for those moaning a relationship lost but as soon as you go to harm a person because they are no longer with you... fuck that YOU DON'T LOVE THEM. You only love them AS LONG AS THEY'RE WITH YOU! Of course I'm not talking about women who've been fucked over and left for dead. If he gave your SARS OR Salmonella and ran off with big butt suzie-Q then you have the right to run him over with a truck. However, if he just decided to leave you and you now want to destroy his life then I've got a big problem with that because If you really loved that person like you said you did then you would always want to see them happy, you would always want the best for them, you'd help them in anyway you could even if their new girlfriend was Snooki from Jersey Shore. As soon you want to change their mind, try to make them be with you or anything of the sort you've stepped over the line. What is it going to achieve anyway? If someone wants to be someplace else let them go, there's really nothing you can do. If you make them come back against their will it's not going to be genuine and anything they put you through now, in my opinion; serves you right. People make me laugh though, I've seen so much of us put significant amounts of time and energy into making someone else's life difficult screwing over everyone involved or associated even mess up our own children in the process. It seems so easy to harm, get back, strike back and hate when it would do everybody the world of good to be happy for each other even if you're not together.

End of Rant.

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I've been wanting to post the above for some years now so I put it up and made some changes, additions (The original was a bit distasteful). Sadly it probably doesn't pack as much of a punch now when I originally started to write it, I was furious but finishing it off today I just look back and smile. Apologies in advance if reading it is difficult I know it's a bit disjointed as I started to write this in 2007! :-o time waits for no man.

The Hopeful and the Hopeless

One day as I was fixing a server as a younger engineer when I came across a really nice lady, lets call her…Cecil :). Cecil was a fully qualified banker and telling by the way her fellow colleagues held her in great esteem a damn good one too. She was also extremely stunning and pleasing to the eye. Her smile was contagious and her hip to waist ratio sent electronic signals to the left side of my brain, tickling my right ear. I thought to myself "joe, there has to be a God. A design like this could not be attributed solely to chance".

Anyways, those of you who know me, know that I claim not to be the flirty type but how could i RESIST this woman was simply magnetic. Who am I kidding, I barely spoke a word and sat there trying to look like i knew what I was about. Trying to seeeeiiiiize the opportunity that every young adult male dreams of…"the random pickup encounter". That's right folks, good old joe was going to bring out the wolf, and like any good wolf knows; I would have try at creating the illusion of appeal that I felt women sought out before eventually crippling her hindquarters and biting her neck.

Of course, as I have absolutely no game I quickly resorted to "hyena" instead i.e. allowing her to run her fucking mouth and wear herself down until she was too tired to notice that I was a glorified nerd on a long lunch break. After almost 40 minutes of feeding her transient verbs and verbal commas that took her to sentence upon sentence. she finally made mention of a man in her life. You know how you women like to slip it in unnoticed.

It soon became clear what my true role was in this new found relationship. That's right, I was…. "miss cleo". Okay, let me pause my story a minute and break it down for all you guys out there that don't know when the woman you are "chatting up" expects you to have long braided hair, a fake jamaican accent, a Dr.Phil degree and a fucking crystal ball.

One, she makes mention of her man
Two, followed closely by sentences that end with "what do you think" or expressions to that effect
Three, You find yourself in a Q&A session littered with questions that start with "Why?" or "How come?" and,
Four, if she puts the two words "You" and "Men" together more than 4 times in 20 minutes then you are not getting any!!! At least not today :). I digress

Another thing soon became apparent. Cecil here was suffering from "hopeful hopelessness" a disease that causes its victims to be consumed with hope over a situation that could never be. Overtime they become riddled with low self esteem, self pity and self doubt they soon become less than half the person they are meant to be. They soon take the shape of a helpless pustule. Some eventually recover but others, unfortunately are doomed to die. At the time, I wasn't informed enough to know what this all meant. It wasn't until some 7 years later that one of the strongest women I know would educate me on this.

I felt for Cecil. She dreamt after a man that didn't seam interested in her at all. What had me puzzled was that Cecil was informed enough to deliver a story that allowed me to deduce this in a single conversation but wasn't informed enough to pull herself out of the situation. "Huh..look at that", and the more she went on, the harder it was for me to point a finger at the man for putting poor, but still very sexy cecil in this rut. Of course, he is to blame as well, after all it takes two to tango. But then i thought to myself, who am I to talk. I may not be a wallowing sap shooting myself stupid behind someone who would rather feed himself to piranas than be with me but I damn well could be. I'm far from being exempt. I hope for the impossible at times which means it's not about male or female, it's not an indication of how intelligent someone is, where you grew up or how many underpaid guyanese work for chump change at your father's convenient store. Think about it though the only major thing that makes me different from cecil is probably my very low expectations of people. Which means I'm probably more likely to think that someone will screw me over before they actually do, even if they had no intentions to. Who would you feel sorry for? Me or her?

The Big Reply in the big country

And to say i'm the god of expression would be a terrible terrible overstatement. I make saying "see you later" seem like I was devoting my life to Christ. It really curls my stomach to say certain things sometimes but i'm really a very passionate person, i'm the kind of person that would cry if someone spoke nicely about me. The truth is i'm a poop stick or is it that i come from a place which demands that you express yourself in words otherwise you are considered to be weird?

Thing is i remove emotional expression from my things to do list. I group my people and I show my love and appreciation to people in those groups differently. I also remove relationships from my things to do list and i'm not quite sure if i should be sorry for that or not but i'm ignorant in that regard. Not saying that i don't recognize and appreciate the importance of relationship but that appreciation is not driven by emotion but more by common sense and theory. Mind you by relationship I'm not only speaking to the traditional "love" relationships but to all. With me, you are either friend or family...I try hard not to create temporary positions for people but in this life you are required to anyways in the end you never get the full benefits and stock options till you obtain a permanent position. Love for my is a very real thing and I deal with it very practically and i apologize in advance for not knowing how to reply.

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Things are finally coming together for me up here and I'm already thinking about my next shakeup.... aren't I the cutest? I seem to thrive on negative perspective and cynicism. Shakeups are my fuel now, Winifred taught me to be a warrior and I see it now, it's what my life will be made of up until then and until then I will keep walking de Father guides me always.

Achievable Goals

In One Month

+ Have room to my liking
+ Have working bank account up and running
+ Joined sports club for gym and atleast spoken to some one RE: one sports club interest perhaps spinning.
+ Get a head start on all my reading and go through study skill tutorials to help me to be a more effective reading, critical analyzer and technical writer.
+ Compile a full expense and budget spread sheet to track my spending and living expenses

In Three Months

+ Make steps to over coming my fear of large crowds and public forums. Develop my theory "confidence as a weapon to effective speaking".
+ Have a full grasp of technical, analytical, academic reading and writing.
+ Have read all my required and recommended text
+ Remember to keep updating my expense spread sheet
+ Remember to get more involved in clubs and other activities (become a better rounded individual)
+ Write fully defined business objective and structure for tanville.

In 1 year

+ Have further improved skills in the web arena, have established certification which speaks to my level of understading and experience in the field.
+ Futher improve my understanding of business and marketing.
+ Have a good understanding of finance and investments.
+ Find a job working in th information systems discipline preferably in a place where I can gain significant experience and big day tasks.
+ Establish tanville as a premier business intelligence company with ties to many distribution companies in barbados and elsewhere. Providing quality quantitative and market research information with a sucessful marketing and event portfolio to back it.

In 3 years
+ Be a better rounded individual.
+ Be more interested in social happenings by reading the paper and listening to the news.
+ Have sound investments
+ Would like to take on a management/ leadership role.
+ Would like to have tanville as a sucessfully growing market research and business intelligence company with strong ties and relationships to educational institutions to aid with the development of information professionals in the form work term and job attachment agreements.